Early Pregnancy Worry

Today I go for my first of many regular prenatal appointments. Even though I do feel "different", I worry that something has or will go wrong. Must be because of the other miscarriages and ectopic, on top of all the medical problems I've had over the last couple years. I saw the heart beating at my ultrasound when I was 6 1/2 weeks, but I know things can still go downhill even after that. Hopefully the heartbeat will be strong enough now at 10 1/2 weeks to be heard on doppler and my mind can be at ease. Whatever happens, happens. I just want to know!

Awkward

Last night I took both of my older boys to their school's open houses. 5th grade for Jerell and 7th grade for Davon. Wow! The first one at the elementary school was pretty hectic, but we did what was supposed to be done. Then we went to the middle school. So, it's his 2nd year there but it still seems strange that I have a child this old. I can still remember [quite clearly] being in middle school and now I'm there as a parent.

We're walking down a long hallway to find Davon's locker when some girls see him and yell out his name, obviously very excited to see him. I feel awkward... What am I suppose to do? Should I stand there and watch as my little boy hugs and converses with girls? Do I tell him I'm in a hurry so let's get moving? I want to be a cool, un-embarrassing mom - so I just keep walking as if I have no idea who my own son is! I go down the hall and continue looking for the locker, casually peeking back to spy on these not-so-shy girls who are apparently not letting my handsome boy get away too quickly. He does finally head my way a couple minutes later and of course, has no idea of what I've just been through!

I'm not ready for all this!

Craziness

I'm only 8 weeks in so I really hate to complain already, but I just need a moment. Okay, maybe a few moments... to whine about how CRAPPY I feel! I spent most of today fighting a headache and trying not to throw up. Driving to the store I almost had to pull over to puke and a few times in the store I thought I would need to bolt to the bathroom. In the end, I never actually threw up but that's little consolation. I came home from my short shopping trip in tears, telling my husband that "this sucks" and I can't wait for my 6 week post-baby checkup to have my tubes plugged. I'm never doing this again!

I know that we tend to forget how we truly felt being pregnant (or while in labor, but that's another story), but I just don't remember feeling this icky. And it's not just the exhaustion, headaches, nausea, bloating or having to get up every 2 hours at night to pee... it's the emotional rollercoaster that I still seem to be on. It was worse in the very beginning with tears running down my broken out face for no apparent reason, but the up and down emotions are still a part of daily life. I look at myself and feel horrible for how out of shape I am and feel like a fat, gross, jiggly lump of laziness. I feel guilty for having no motivation to do anything - especially things like taking my kids to the park or even just outside for more than 5 minutes to play. For some reason, I also feel like there are people who are secretly hoping I have another boy just so they can say "ha, that's what you get"...  I'd like to think that's far from the truth, but something in me keeps having those thoughts. In case you are, in fact, one of those people let me say this now - this baby is a blessing from God and I will be delighted when I see this precious gift and hold it in my arms, regardless of whether it's a he or a she. Yes, I'd like the opportunity to have a daughter (and think I'd be quite good with a girl!), but I realize that God knows what He's doing and has a plan for our lives that we don't always see.

Anyway, I'm just struggling today. I'm starting to wonder if I'm too old to be doing this again! I know I'm only 29, but since I started so young it's like my body is actually 40. I've been having children for 13 years now! What?! I had babies in '99, '01, '07, '08 and now '12. Get this - I will be 30 years old and have had babies in 3 different decades!!! Craziness? YES!

I'm counting down til the 2nd trimester, praying that it brings some relief for all the physical and emotional crud (for lack of a better word). But I'm also thinking... maybe this one will be not-so-fun, to put it mildly, so that I will finally be completely over the desire to have more babies. If that's the case, it's working so far!

Why Me?

Today I had my second ultrasound for this pregnancy at only 6 weeks (the first one, at 5 weeks, we only saw a sac with nothing in it, though that is common at that early stage). As soon as my doctor started the scan I could see the tiny baby and it's beating heart. It made this all the more real for me, actually seeing a living baby, even though it's less than a centimeter in size and definitely looks more like an amphibian than a human!

This will be my 5th child... sounds crazy, I know. And it's had me thinking how blessed I've been to already have 4 kids and now get to have another. But why? Why am I able to get pregnant so easily? Why did I have 2 kids while I was still a teenager when there are women out there who try for decades unsuccessfully to get pregnant? Why are my babies born healthy and without complication when other women have sick babies, some of which pass before they're born or are born alive only to live for a few minutes? Why me???

I'm not better than anyone else, or somehow more deserving. And I certainly haven't earned any special status based on many of my life choices.. :/  I feel guilty sometimes when I look at my kids and think about all the would-be moms in the world with empty, aching arms. I even feel, at times, that I'm selfishly "taking" these babies - like if I didn't have them then somehow that would allow those other women to become mommies. I can intellectually know how absurd that notion is, but my human mind still has these thoughts.

I don't want to be selfish. This isn't a game of "let's see how many babies I can have" and I know that each of my children is a gift, a blessing, from The Lord. **He didn't desire for me to bring kids into the world when I was still a child myself, but those boys are still HIS creation and He loves them even more than I do**  I know I'm not really stealing babies from other couples when I become pregnant - I just wish there was something I could do for them! At one point in my life I seriously considered being a surrogate mother. My reasoning for that was these same, silly thoughts of guilt over being a mom when I knew so many couldn't. Obviously I never did that, and it probably wouldn't be allowed now after all these pregnancies. I suppose all I can really do is pray - pray for the women who are struggling month after month to become pregnant, pray for the couples who are waiting and waiting to adopt a baby and pray for all the kids in the world who don't know the love of a parent to find their way to mommies and daddies in waiting.

And I will continue to thank God everyday for ALL the blessings in my life... especially my beautiful babies!

Surprise, Surprise!



DS #4 Making the Announcement

Yes, it's true - baby #5 is on the way! I found out about 10 days ago. I just had that "feeling" that something was up, so decided to take a home test 5 days before the suggested time to first take it. To my surprise there was a faint line, but I thought maybe it was a fluke so I took another one within an hour. That one also had a faint line, but I thought that maybe they were both faulty since they came from the same package. So 2 days later I took 2 more and they also had faint lines. I still had my doubts, but those were diminishing. I went to my doctor the next day for a blood count which I had to wait 3 whole days to get the results for! The day I received the results of that test I was back in for a second blood count, per doctors orders, to make sure the numbers were going up. The next day (now a week since the first home test) my doctor called with the good news that the hcg levels had gone up significantly and everything seemed on track for now. Because of my history I'll be going in again on Monday for an ultrasound to make sure the little sesame seed-sized baby is in the right spot (I had an ectopic pregnancy 5 1/2 years ago which resulted in surgery to remove that baby and my left tube).

To answer some of the Facebook questions - my due date is March 18th. Right now it seems like it will be forever until this baby arrives - remember though, I found out way earlier than most women do. I think I'd be pregnant for a year just to actually prolong the addition of a newborn! Though I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune by, oh, 35 weeks :) And yes, I am praying for a girl! This isn't my first rodeo, I know very well intellectually that we could have another boy. Will I cry if that happens? Probably. But I trust my maker and the creator of the universe to make the decision! For now, until I hit 20 weeks near the end of October and head for that most exciting ultrasound of all, I'll keep politely asking God to bless me with a daughter! :))

I realize that some of you might think "What are they thinking?" "FIVE kids, really?!" And maybe some other thoughts that aren't so nice. You are entitled to your opinions and thank the Lord we live in a country where we can all decide how many children we want to have. But I do believe that children are blessings - in fact, here's a verse for you  "Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him." Psalm 127:3  Soooo, we are accepting this blessing (boy or girl!) from the Father who loves us. I'm not saying it's gonna be a walk in the park, but I do believe this is part of the plan for our lives so who are we to judge that?!?!

More About ME

Did you ever get one of those chain emails with the "about me" survey questions? I'm sure I've done at least a handfull (and deleted plenty more). The purpose was to get to know your friends/family better, maybe find out things you would never know or even think to ask. Maybe this plays into the self-centered human nature, but sometimes it was fun to answer 50 questions about me, me, ME! Now with having our Facebook addictions you would think we know eachother quite well... right? Well I bet there are still plenty of things that most people don't know. Of course, there are MANY personal facts that I hope no one finds out! But I thought I'd do a little "Facts about ME" post.
*Disclaimer: There will be no profound information in the following. If you have something important to do, by all means don't waste your time here :) haha

• I'm addicted to chapstick, and have been for as long as I can remember.
• I did not graduate high school. BUT I did take all my GED tests in record time (cuz me smart!)
• I was a very well-behaved, quiet and polite child.
• I was a very naughty, mouthy and defiant teenager.
• I hate watermelon, but love watermelon flavored candy.
• I love grapes, but hate grape-flavored anything.
• I was pregnant before I got my 1st car.
• I've been pregnant 8 times - ahhh!
• I use to try to convince my little sister we had found her on the side of the road and then adopted her. - still not sure what sort of negative impact that had on her :/
• At one point in high school my GPA was .59 - overall in college was 3.6 (wish I could tell this to some of my old HS teachers!).
• I love watching TLC/Discovery Health shows, especially the trauma ones with guts and gore. But I'd never ever want to work in health care.
• My profession right now, besides full time mother & wife, is home daycare. However, I'm still undecided as to what I want to do with my life.
• In just 10 weeks I will hit the big 3-0. Not sure I'm ready for that yet.
• I love cherry ICEE's. Not slushies, or freezies or whatever else is out there. Only ICEE.
• I have to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. Unless in a hotel room, where I then have to sleep closest to the window.
• Chocolate covered raisins disgust me.
• My left leg is shorter than my right leg. If you've never noticed that before, you can thank the surgeon who sliced up my pretty little 11 year old knee to fix the discrepancy.
•  I once drove over my 5 year old son's leg, on accident of course, but he didn't even have a scratch! Thank God for His protection on that one!!
• I've never been stung by a bee. So contrary to popular belief - screaming and running with flailing arms at the sight of a bee does work.
• I have to use a q-tip in my ears after I shower. If I don't have one, then I won't shower til I get some.
• Because of my congenital hip dysplasia I can't sit Indian- style, aka, Criss cross applesauce. Physically not possible to put the left leg down where it should be.
• I miss watching Mary Tyler Moore, Dick Van Dyke, I Love Lucy and Bewitched.
• I hate ugly feet - especially when the owner of the ugly feet makes no effort whatsoever to spruce them up.
• I love babies :)  I'll bet most of you DID know that!

This Week

It's been a whole week since I last blogged, but it felt like forever. I guess I just don't have that interesting of a life to write about very often! There were a few times I got an idea, but just didn't get on the computer to blog about it. One of my recent posts was regarding my new running plan, which I successfully completed... the first week of, anyway - haha! I hurt my ankle about 1/2 way through day 1 of the second week (which was last Monday) and I still can't walk normal. I had high hopes of becoming a real runner, but at this point I'm thinking I may have to just be a "walker", which is still better than doing nothing. So I didn't do a whole lot this last week. We did make it to the pool twice and today I took 3 of the kids to the park and splashpad (oldest son wouldn't get out of bed) followed by cherry ICEEs for everyone - have I ever mentioned how much I looovvveee ICEEs?! Well I do :) 

DS #3 & #4 In the sand at the park today

DS #2,3 &4 at the splashpad

Hubs is working side jobs today and tomorrow, but at least we'll have Monday all together with the holiday. Our little boys have never been to see the fireworks displays and daddy really wants them to be able to experience it this year. I'm not thrilled with the idea of keeping them up that late or the task of finding somewhere to watch the show amidst all the drunks with 2 boys who don't like to walk nicely with mom and dad. And I can't chase them very well with my bum ankle! I suppose 4th of July fireworks is an all American tradition that even my little monsters should be able to take part of... we'll see how it goes.

The only other excitement lately is that our plane tickets have officially been booked for our tropical vacation next January - WAHOOO!! Hubs still says he doesn't really want to go *he wants to BE there, just not FLY to GET there*. He'll have to cowboy up when the time comes because we ARE going!

The End Of The Baby Era?

My sweet baby boy (DS #4) has finally gotten interested in going potty again. Over the last 6 months or so he would go before he got in the bath and every once in awhile throughout the day for no rhyme or reason. But 2 days ago he really started asking to go more often and stayed dry all night and most of the day wearing undies and pull ups. I hate potty training! The accidents, the constant reminding that it's time to go potty and most of all the mess around the toilet because my little boy thinks he needs to stand up like big boys! Yuck. Don't get me wrong, I'll be more than thrilled to not be changing (or buying) diapers, I'm just not a fan of the process. I also realized last night that once this "baby" of mine is done with diapers, we are officially out of the baby stage. He's very smart for being only 2, and he definitely thinks and acts like he's at least 4, but somehow the diapers kept him in the role of baby. I wonder if I'll always refer to my kids as "the big boys" and "the little boys" even when none of them are so little anymore... Will I always have the desire to have a baby in the house? Or will I finally move on from the stage of having babies, to raising them. I did have a few years with no baby around, the big boys were 6 & 8 when DS #3 came along, but during those baby-free years I always knew I had have more someday. Now I'm not so sure... which feels weird.

I guess for now I'll just focus on getting my baby through these exciting potty training days?weeks? Oh Lord, please let it be days! And from there will look forward to the next milestones of starting school and all that comes with that.

Run Katie, Run!

I first downloaded the C25K application on my phone about 2 months ago. I had good intentions of starting, but then made excuses day after day, week after week, for not going. I know a significant amount of people that have successfully started running over the last few years and have literally gone from the couch to running a 5k, some who have even ran a full marathon. Those people were my inspiration, along with our upcoming trip to Barbados for which I'd like to be "smokin' hot"! So finally on Monday, with the encouragement of a friend, I started the program. I honestly would've quit about half way through if she hadn't been there with me, as I didn't want to be embarrassed by giving up in front of her! We actually went a little more than the program said to (had to get back to our vehicles somehow). I felt a little sore and tired, but most importantly I felt accomplished! After months of pondering the idea of running, I had finally done it. Sure, I didn't run the whole 2 miles, but I completed day 1 of the training which was more physical activity than I've had in years. And I'm paying for it, still, 2 days later!! Ugh, my legs are so sore that I don't even want to go grocery shopping, which we desperately need, much less go run again tomorrow night. I guess this is hard proof of just how horribly out of shape I am, pathetic. Fortunately, or unfortunately - I haven't decided yet, a few more friends have started the program this week after my announcement that I had done it, so we're all "in it together"... in other words, I can't quit now even though my body is yelling "don't do it!". I sure hope it's true that it will get easier because I don't know how I'll function if my legs feel like this for much longer! But all in all, I'm super proud of myself for getting off the couch and out there into the running world. And I'm also thankful for the friend who offered to run with me (and encouraged me to start "tonight" and not put it off anymore), which I knew I would need to keep me going. Hopefully I'll reach my goal of running a 5k in the near future and also my goal of looking "smokin' hot" when I'm on the beach of the Caribbean next January!

All My Dads

Tomorrow is Father's Day, a day to celebrate and take some time to show our appreciation for the dads in our lives. I consider myself blessed for all the fathers in my life - my dad, stepdad, husband and my heavenly father. So I wanted to do a tribute post to them!

Dad - You may not be the most affectionate guy in the world, but I understand how you show your love for me in all the things you do around here for me. There's a country song that totally sums up our relationship - "he was saying 'I love you', the only way he knew how". Honestly, that song helped me realize that truth, that even though you don't give hugs and say the words, you do love me! I'm glad you moved here 5 years ago to be closer to me and my kids and it's amazing how our relationship has developed since then.

Stepdad - I am so thankful that you came into my life 21 years ago (can you believe it's been that long?!). You are one of the funniest guys I know and it's always a good time when you're around! You've done so much for my kids and I over the years, there's just no way to tell you how much you are appreciated. Thank you for being a good example of a godly man for my boys. I love all our conversations, whether they are light-hearted and funny or deep and theological. You're always make me feel special through your hugs and words of encouragement. I can't imagine my life without a DAD like you!

Husband - You came into my life when I was a single mom with 2 little boys who desperately needed a daddy, which you willingly jumped into being without hesitation. Since then you've given me 2 more boys and done a wonderful job being daddy to them all! I am blessed to have a husband who doesn't just sit on the sidelines of life, but who is always pitching in around the house (much more than most guys I know!) and constantly interacting and entertaining the kids with your "tickle bickles", horsey rides, wrestling matches, goofy voices and all the other crazy things you do :) Thank you for loving me, loving my older boys as your own and loving your role as a dad!

Heavenly Father - Thank you for all the blessings in my life, as I know they come from you. I would not be where I am today if not for your provision over my life and I wouldn't have the guarantee of eternal life in heaven if it weren't for your biggest gift and sacrifice - your own son, Jesus Christ. Thank you for all the dads in my life and for being my daddy when I needed one, for loving me unconditionally no matter what and for saving me from a life that was destined to lead me to... well, nowhere good.

                                             * I love you all, Happy Father's Day *
 

SAHM

So far today I've gotten the little kids up, dressed and fed, took DS #4  to "school" (which is a big task, let me tell you!), cleaned the kitchen, did 3 loads of laundry, scrubbed the kitchen floor, cleaned the bathtub, changed my sheets, fed the kids lunch, swept the steps and entryway, vacuumed, took big kids to the pool, put hilites in my hair (currently processing) and, of course, played with the kids - and it's not even 5. Why did list everything I did today? Well, I think it's the stay-at-home mom syndrome: feeling somewhat inferior to those who have "real jobs" and seeking validation for the work we do at home. When you work outside the home you have responsibilities and expectations for which you receive monetary compensation for when completed. What do we get for all the effort we put in at home? Usually not much. Moms and the work we do is one of the most under-appreciated things I can think of. I often feel the need to point out certain tasks I completed throughout the day to my husband when he gets home from work, I suppose so he knows that I didn't just sit and watch soap operas all day! Sure, there is down time (obviously, or I wouldn't have time to do this!), but we shouldn't feel guilty for taking 5-10 minutes here and there for ourselves. In fact, if I was working I would probably be guaranteed at least 60 minutes throughout the workday to do whatever I please.

I know that raising our kids is the most important job we'll ever have. And I'm not expecting to be praised for every little thing I did throughout the day. I just wish I didn't have those thoughts of being less-than or inadequate for not contributing as much as I'm capable of.

Silly Mommy

Today as I left to take DS #2 to the pool, carrying a baby and ushering DS #4 to the van, I realized I still had my slippers on. I figured no one would know and I'd rather not take the time to go back inside, get shoes on and start the parade to the van all over again. That got me thinking about all things we, as moms, say, think and do that we probably never thought we would. Here are some of the things that came to mind that I will admit to...

Took the kids to school while still in my pajamas and often no bra - just praying I don't get pulled over.

Picked a binky up off the floor and licking it to make sure it's "clean" before giving it to the baby.

Went through half the day before noticing my shirt was on backwards or inside out.

Called one of my boys by 3 other names before I finally say the correct one (even when looking right at him) many times.

Pretended that the tantruming child on the floor of Walmart was not my own.

Stated "because I'm your mom and I said so!" even though I swore I'd never say that to my own kids.

Made up "facts" about geography or science when my kids asked me something I had absolutely no idea about.

Measured the cleanliness of a piece of clothing by smelling it.

Licked my finger so I could wipe crud off my kid's face - another thing I swore I'd never do.

Wrote made-up dates of "baby's firsts" in the baby book years after the fact so my son won't think I didn't care when he reads it someday.

Nursed my newborn in a bathroom stall of a restaurant because I was scared to do it in public.

Sent my husband "out to have fun alone" so I could call & tell him I was pregnant with #4 over the phone instead of in person.

Went out in public with spit-up, dried food and the likes on my clothes (sometimes without knowing and sometimes just thinking "who cares").

I'm sure there are many more things I've said and done as a mom that my younger self would say to me now "I'll never do that!". And I'm sure my fellow moms out there have plenty of stories of their own! I'll leave you with a couple funny quotes I found, enjoy :)

"If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylum would be filled with mothers."
~Edgar Watson Howe

"It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it."
~The Golden Girls

Summer Tips

83 degrees and school is out - summer is officially here! And so begins the arguing, whining and "I'm bored" from the big kids. City pools open tomorrow and I plan on getting passes today so I can send them off every day when the temp is above 70. I hope to make there myself much more often than last year, but will only be able to when I don't have daycare kids.

I thought this would be a good time to share a few summer tips, so here it goes.

1. If you complained about how cold it was all winter, don't let me hear you crying about the heat. It's summer, it's hot, it's the same every year.
2. If you have to buy size large or bigger, you have no business wearing a bikini to the pool. Sure, it makes me feel better about how I look, but we still don't want to see it! You know better.
3. Short shorts are for teenagers, not moms.
4. Don't send your kids to their friends house everyday near lunch time in hopes they'll be fed. I have enough kids to take care of as it is.
5. Go buy sunblock. If you don't care about 1st or 2nd degree burns on yourself that's your prerogative. But even though your little kids look cute with a tan, it's really not worth the risk, is it?

If you have any more tips, please share! Enjoy your summer!

Complain or Encourage

I really don't want to be one of those people who complain all the time, constantly telling everyone how horrible their life is and all the problems they have. It gets old reading facebook post after post about everything that's wrong with them and their life. And it's made me notice the people who are always positive and seem to enjoy life! I'm sure they have problems as well as everyone else, but they have that "glass 1/2 full" outlook.

The Bible even talks about complaining and being discontent, and how we should make sure our words are encouraging to others. I'm not gifted in the area of encouragement, and for whatever reason have a difficult time (for the most part) saying uplifting things to people or even giving compliments. I may think it in my head, but just don't say it out loud. Maybe a psychiatrist could figure out the deep rooted issues I have that make this such a problem... but I won't be seeing one of those any time soon.

Sometimes, though, it's just nice to vent, to let loose all the thoughts that are bottled up inside. I've been dealing with pain from my "female issues" for about a year and a half, landing in the emergency room again Tuesday night. On top of that, my neck and shoulder have been bothering me since Monday (after sleeping in a hotel bed, but who knows if that's the cause) and is getting worse - in fact, I could hardly sleep last night and it's been quite difficult to do the normal things I do with the kids this morning and was nearly impossible to drive since I can barely turn my head to either side. I've been praying for healing, but at this point the pain is still there. So I'll continue to pray and hope that the pain, in both areas of my messed up body, will subside quickly.

Now that I've had my moment to whine, I will do my very best to not keep talking about it. I don't want my complaints to bring anyone else down. And I surely don't want to become one of those annoying people who do nothing but look at the negatives in life and make sure everyone around them knows about it. I have wonderful kids, a nice home, a husband who loves me, a supportive church family and a savior who loves me more than I could ever know. I will focus, as best that I can, on all the blessings in my life and continue to work on being uplifting and encouraging to others!

Succesful Trip

We've been back from our little family getaway to the waterpark hotel for about 2 hours now and both my husband and I have been busy with chores since we walked in. No break for parents! Well, of course there are some breaks or I wouldn't be writing right now :)

The trip was a success, defined by: no near-drownings, no fighting, no injuries or sickness and fun had by all! The only negative part was the 2 hours it took us to get our youngest boys to fall asleep. I can't believe how much energy 2 little people can have even after a day with no nap and plenty of swimming!

And to top off a great weekend, when I got home I realized my dad, who had stayed at my house to dog sit, cleaned my oven to a sparkling shine! There's something I can cross of my to-do list.

Hubs is out cleaning the van and doing some yard work, and now that I've scratched the itch of internet addiction I can get back to my duties. Home sweet home!

Once in awhile, whining pays off

I didn't fully realize it was Memorial Day this Monday until a few days ago. I guess people who have "real jobs" always know what holiday is coming up because they're looking forward to an extra day off. I imagine people have also been making plans for this weekend for some time now, and I know many who went camping (not my cup of tea whatsoever!).

 My family, however, had nothing planned as usual. Me forgetting it was even a holiday is not the only reason for this, we just don't really celebrate Memorial Day, 4th of July or Labor Day. But for some reason I started feeling bad that we had absolutely nothing to do and posted my thoughts about it on Facebook. Grandpa and Grandma to the rescue! My mom called shortly thereafter and said my wonderful stepdad decided we should all go to a hotel/waterpark Sunday and Monday! My 4 year old has been obsessed with "big buckets" ever since our trip to Wisconsin Dells last summer, and repeatedly asks to watch Youtube videos of the 350 gallon buckets dumping water on the swimmers below. I can't wait to see his face when he finally gets to see one in person again tomorrow!

I still feel bad that we don't always celebrate these summer holidays with family like most other people, and even worse that I don't know the origins or difference between Memorial and Labor Day. Maybe I'll do my homework and figure that out now that I'm an adult. And maybe as the little boys are getting older (and a tad bit easier to manage in public) we can even take the whole family to the big 4th of July celebration and fireworks this year. But for now, I'm happy that my moment of complaining on Facebook yesterday paid off and we now have something FUN to do this Holiday weekend.

~ And a big shout out to my awesome parents who are making it happen, like always. Thank you!!!

Too Tight

I put on a pair of capris on the other day from last summer, and my goodness they were tight. Yesterday I noticed how tight my jeans were getting - I still wore them, but the hips and legs were tight. My shirts are tight, and I'm not prepared mentally to see if last year's swim suit is too tight. Conclusion: after losing weight amazingly fast after my last baby in '08 I am definitely on my way back up in size. It's very disappointing, but since I didn't put any effort into losing it in the first place (besides feeding my baby) I suppose I can't be too upset. Fact is, the only real effort I've ever put into losing weight were the few times I nearly starved myself and the few months I worked out at the Y, which I still didn't do on a regular basis. I did download the C25K app on my phone a few weeks ago, but have yet to even look at it. Last week I walked for about 20 minutes 2 days in a row and was extremely proud of myself, but then the next day I had a shin splint in 1 leg and that was excuse enough to not walk again. I've been saying for awhile that I wish I was a runner, enjoying as much as the friends I have who run, but I just don't think I'm cut out for it. Am I destined to be flabby for the rest of my life? To be so out of shape that I'd rather drive around a parking lot for 10 minutes then have to exurt the energy to walk an extra 20 feet? Will I ever be able to break the habit of waking up in the middle of the night to eat? (I do love my Reese's Peanut Butter cups at 3am!) Maybe I'll just buy some bigger clothes again, and start saving for liposuction.

Hug Your Babies

Watching the Casey Anthony trial (the young, single mom accused of killing her 2 year old daughter in '08) my heart is saddened. I don't know for sure if she is the one who caused her daughter's death (and I'm certainly glad I don't have to be a juror in the trial), only Casey and God know the whole truth. I do know that the overwhelming consenses is that she did, in fact, murder her little girl and cover it up while continuing to live a normal [party] lifestyle for 31 days after Caylee's death. Right here in Iowa a mother killed her youngest son and attempted to kill her older son, who survived and actually helped convict his own mother. What causes a seemingly "normal" person, a mother, to harm and even murder her own child? What goes on in her mind that makes her decide to take the life of the child she carried for 9 months and gave birth to? I know there are certain guidelines for a person to be found "criminally insane" in a court room, but I surmise that all the mothers (and there have been many) who have commited these heinous acts against their own flesh and blood are not of sound mind, and must be dealing with incredible demons in their minds.  Sure, I get frustrated with my kids and even angry from time to time - but I have never had even a fleeting thought of seriously hurting any of them much less killing them. I think most moms, who are being honest, would say there are times you wonder what you were thinking when you decided to have kids - that you had no idea parenthood would be so challenging! And we have passing moments when you imagine what you'd be doing right now in your life if you didn't have kids. (When I have these thoughts my usual conclusion is that life would be quite boring and I have no idea what I'd do with myself all day!) But in a "normal", sane person none of theses thoughts or somewhat depressing times would ever lead you to the point of murdering your child. I understand parenting is hard, but there are many rewards too. I pray that these woman who have found no other way to cope but to rid themselves of their children would find the peace and forgiveness of The Lord. And for the rest of, let's just remember to not take our precious children, or the lives we've been given, for granted. So hug and kiss your babies and thank God that you are not struggling with the obvious heavy burden and darkness that Casey Anthony and so many other women have lived with.

Super Mom?

I wish I was a super organized, "Type A" kind of mom. Does my desire to be this way count for something? I hope so. I finally started using a calendar last year, in hopes of keeping track of everything so I wouldn't forget about appointments, ball games, piano practices and the never ending early school dismissals and days off. But somehow I still manage to lose track of what's going on - I do look at the calendar, I really do. It must just not register in my mom brain. I finally bought a bunch of storage bins and went through all the kids clothes, separating and labeling them by size, hoping to make it easier to get ready for the new seasons and to sell the outgrown clothing online. But then the bins were placed in various places throughout the house and garage and I'm overwhelmed at the idea of dragging them all out and doing all the work that goes into listing clothing on ebay. I bought a dry erase board to write the various chores that my older boys are required to do each day so they can easily see what they're suppose to do when they get home from school. But I only seem to remember to write on that board about once a week, even though I walk past it over and over throughout the day. My closets need organized, stuff needs gathered to go to Goodwill, the junk drawers need a good cleaning, the socks with no match that reside in my hutch drawer need to either find a mate or find the trash, my pictures need to be uploaded, printed and put into albums, and let's not even talk about the junk being stored under my bed that needs a real home. I need a system for keeping track of all the papers my kids bring home from school, some that needs returned with my signature which I usually find a week later. I need a system for saving important documents like birth certificates, vehicle titles and loan papers. I need a system for couponing and planning menus and grocery lists. And there's probably many more "systems" and organizational ideas that I don't even think of. However, I just wasn't born with this type of DNA and have little hope of ever really becoming Mrs Organization. My kids are clean, fed, healthy and happy. So I guess that's good enough for me at this point. I probably won't be nominated for mother of the year, but I am who I am - an unorganized, forgetful, sometimes messy, loving mom!

Small Town Fever

When I was younger and we would visit family members in various small towns in North Dakota, I would always say that I could never live in a small town - no mall, no Walmart, no street lights! I just couldn't imagine not being in a bigger city with more "oportunities". Now as I'm getting older and raising my own 4 children I think I'm starting to get small town fever. I'm imagining walking to the nearby park with the kids, knowing all my neighbors and not having to worry about letting my little ones play outside and even wander the neighborhood. Not to mention how difficult it would be for my older kids to get away with anything when the whole town knows everyone and word travels fast. I don't think I could live too far away from a large city where I could easily drive to get groceries or make a quick trip to Target when  we're on the last roll of toilet paper, or the sudden realization that my baby is wearing the last diaper. Small town living might never be in my future... who knows. But I have to admit I've surprised myself at how much I've changed from that teenager who thought small towns were for old people and country bumpkins!