Craziness

I'm only 8 weeks in so I really hate to complain already, but I just need a moment. Okay, maybe a few moments... to whine about how CRAPPY I feel! I spent most of today fighting a headache and trying not to throw up. Driving to the store I almost had to pull over to puke and a few times in the store I thought I would need to bolt to the bathroom. In the end, I never actually threw up but that's little consolation. I came home from my short shopping trip in tears, telling my husband that "this sucks" and I can't wait for my 6 week post-baby checkup to have my tubes plugged. I'm never doing this again!

I know that we tend to forget how we truly felt being pregnant (or while in labor, but that's another story), but I just don't remember feeling this icky. And it's not just the exhaustion, headaches, nausea, bloating or having to get up every 2 hours at night to pee... it's the emotional rollercoaster that I still seem to be on. It was worse in the very beginning with tears running down my broken out face for no apparent reason, but the up and down emotions are still a part of daily life. I look at myself and feel horrible for how out of shape I am and feel like a fat, gross, jiggly lump of laziness. I feel guilty for having no motivation to do anything - especially things like taking my kids to the park or even just outside for more than 5 minutes to play. For some reason, I also feel like there are people who are secretly hoping I have another boy just so they can say "ha, that's what you get"...  I'd like to think that's far from the truth, but something in me keeps having those thoughts. In case you are, in fact, one of those people let me say this now - this baby is a blessing from God and I will be delighted when I see this precious gift and hold it in my arms, regardless of whether it's a he or a she. Yes, I'd like the opportunity to have a daughter (and think I'd be quite good with a girl!), but I realize that God knows what He's doing and has a plan for our lives that we don't always see.

Anyway, I'm just struggling today. I'm starting to wonder if I'm too old to be doing this again! I know I'm only 29, but since I started so young it's like my body is actually 40. I've been having children for 13 years now! What?! I had babies in '99, '01, '07, '08 and now '12. Get this - I will be 30 years old and have had babies in 3 different decades!!! Craziness? YES!

I'm counting down til the 2nd trimester, praying that it brings some relief for all the physical and emotional crud (for lack of a better word). But I'm also thinking... maybe this one will be not-so-fun, to put it mildly, so that I will finally be completely over the desire to have more babies. If that's the case, it's working so far!