Why Me?

Today I had my second ultrasound for this pregnancy at only 6 weeks (the first one, at 5 weeks, we only saw a sac with nothing in it, though that is common at that early stage). As soon as my doctor started the scan I could see the tiny baby and it's beating heart. It made this all the more real for me, actually seeing a living baby, even though it's less than a centimeter in size and definitely looks more like an amphibian than a human!

This will be my 5th child... sounds crazy, I know. And it's had me thinking how blessed I've been to already have 4 kids and now get to have another. But why? Why am I able to get pregnant so easily? Why did I have 2 kids while I was still a teenager when there are women out there who try for decades unsuccessfully to get pregnant? Why are my babies born healthy and without complication when other women have sick babies, some of which pass before they're born or are born alive only to live for a few minutes? Why me???

I'm not better than anyone else, or somehow more deserving. And I certainly haven't earned any special status based on many of my life choices.. :/  I feel guilty sometimes when I look at my kids and think about all the would-be moms in the world with empty, aching arms. I even feel, at times, that I'm selfishly "taking" these babies - like if I didn't have them then somehow that would allow those other women to become mommies. I can intellectually know how absurd that notion is, but my human mind still has these thoughts.

I don't want to be selfish. This isn't a game of "let's see how many babies I can have" and I know that each of my children is a gift, a blessing, from The Lord. **He didn't desire for me to bring kids into the world when I was still a child myself, but those boys are still HIS creation and He loves them even more than I do**  I know I'm not really stealing babies from other couples when I become pregnant - I just wish there was something I could do for them! At one point in my life I seriously considered being a surrogate mother. My reasoning for that was these same, silly thoughts of guilt over being a mom when I knew so many couldn't. Obviously I never did that, and it probably wouldn't be allowed now after all these pregnancies. I suppose all I can really do is pray - pray for the women who are struggling month after month to become pregnant, pray for the couples who are waiting and waiting to adopt a baby and pray for all the kids in the world who don't know the love of a parent to find their way to mommies and daddies in waiting.

And I will continue to thank God everyday for ALL the blessings in my life... especially my beautiful babies!