My Last Birth Story (March 2012)

This final pregnancy was the most difficult and I kept saying "this must be God's way of telling me 'this is it!' "... maybe that's not true but I thought it was funny. The last few weeks were the worst as I developed a condition where the muscles "down there" were being pulled and even the bone was almost dislocated. My doctor told me there was even a chance that after delivery I would still have problems with it. I could barely walk and any movement gave me tremendous pain, especially rolling out of bed. A couple days before I delivered I went to the grocery store and literally got stuck in the produce section - I couldn't move my legs. Thankfully my sister had come with me so I got her attention to come back and help me walk! It was awful.

Saturday afternoon (after the grocery store fiasco)

On Thursday, the 8th, I had my last doctor appointment. I knew that would be my last since I had asked for an induction at 32 weeks (when I asked at that time my doctor gave me a funny look and said, "you mean now??" - ha, no I mean at 39 weeks and not a day later!). Anyway, my blood pressure was high so I got quite excited thinking they'd just send me over to the hospital that day! However, that was not needed apparently. He did ask if I wanted him to "strip my membranes" which I had never had done with any of the other kids. Of course, I said yes as I was willing to do anything to get the show on the road. A few minutes later my doctor left the room to grab something and I had a contraction that brought me to tears - he actually came back in the room while I was bending over, on the verge of bawling, and asked if I was okay. The pain eased up and I was fine so I left. I had to pick up Jaden from daycare but when I got there I couldn't even get out of my van... another contraction. I then went to pick up a prescription, which wasn't ready of course, so I sat in the drive-up breathing through more contractions. At one point I buzzed the guy and told him to hurry up because I was in labor. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I had never gone into labor on my own and since I was already dilated to 4 and this was my 5th baby I was sure I would never make it home, get a sitter over and make it back to the hospital before this kid starting finding his way out! When I did finally get home the contractions weren't as strong so I decided to lay down and see what happened. If I would've been able to walk I would've done that to try keep it going, but due to the lovely "condition" I had that wasn't an option. Sure enough (just my luck) everything slowed down and instead of being in labor I was stuck with random, painful contractions for the next few days.

Saturday night I was talked into going to the hospital by my mom and my very excited sister. They said I was dilated to 5 - YES, all this hasn't been for nothing! I walked... and walked... and walked some more. I still wasn't in a steady labor pattern but after being rechecked I was now close to 6. Then, nothing. I was given the option to go home or take a sleeping pill and spend the night. I didn't want to go home being 6cm and have a baby in my bathroom so I opted for a good, medicine-induced sleep. The next morning I was checked again by another nurse who said I was more like 5 - 5.5cm  Now I had to go home. I had never heard of such a thing - who gets sent home at 39 weeks pregnant when you're 1/2 way to delivering?!? I thought for sure I'd be back that afternoon. Again, I wrong :/

At that last appointment we set the date for induction - Monday, March 12th. I don't think either of us thought I'd actually make it until then, but alas, I did. We showed up 15 minutes late that morning :)

Getting ready to go change into the lovely hospital gown

 I asked to just have my water broken and hold off on Pitocin since I didn't need any with my last baby. After 2 hours of nothing happening (post the water breaking, slowly) they suggested I go ahead and take the Pitocin. I am very sensitive to that crap so within about 10 minutes I was in so much pain I begged the nurse to turn it off. She was surprised at my body's reaction and did turn it down. I had wanted to see how long I could go without an epidural (I didn't have one with the last baby) but that 5 minutes of torture was enough. "CALL THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST!"  It seemed to take forever for him to get there - of course, there were 4 other women in "front" of me and I had to wait my turn.

Contractions hit HARD

                                  My savior did come though... ah, sweet relief.

Last belly pic while I'm completely numb!

By 2:00 there was still no change... my nurse even said she thought I was now closer to 5 instead of 6. Um, since when do you go backwards in the dilation process?? I told her I was ready for a c-section. She asked why on earth I would say that! Well, because I've been laying here for hours with nothing happening and I really thought it would go fast since I started out 1/2 way there. I was mad at myself for getting an epidural - this one worked like none that I'd ever had. I was so numb that it took the nurse AND my husband just to turn me from side to side. I was sure that if I hadn't gotten it I would've had the baby and be showered and eating by now! I shed a few tears, completely discouraged. (My nurse did encourage me to just wait, that we weren't even close to making the decision to stop natural labor)
When my doctor came to check on me around 3:00 my nurse informed him of my c-section idea. He just smiled and told me that wasn't gonna happen and to keep going. I really didn't see the point but conceded. Shortly after that my nurse suggested I move switch sides one more time. I sent a text to Davon (he would just be getting off the bus after school) at 3:18 telling him that the baby still wasn't here and to just hang out at home. All of a sudden I started feeling something, little by little... pain. YES! It's finally starting... I can start dilating again and hopefully by supper-time he'll be here! Apparently, he was most likely face-up instead of down and that last turn helped move him into position.

Within only a few minutes I asked to be checked - I was already in tears again from the pain which was surprising considering how numb I was from the epidural. Reason being - I was nearly complete! I was told I could start trying to push, still quite numb but it didn't take long for them to realize there wasn't time to waste.

Pushing!

I did not need to be told what to do, how to do it or when to do it. In fact, as my doctor was turning back towards me after putting his "gear" on he made a comment about me doing it on my own even when they weren't looking! During this I heard him ask the nurse if I wanted the baby placed on me right away or cleaned up first so I figured I'd answer, in the middle of a push, which made them giggle :) I'm a pro, I can participate in this conversation even while I'm getting a little human out of my body. Finally, I knew this would be it. I could feel where he was and I knew this huge push would be my last - I would meet my baby!

3:47pm - He's here!

My sister cut the cord (hubs doesn't care to do that)

So happy he's in my arms!

 After a rough few weeks, a strange weekend of wondering "is this it" many times and 7 hours of mostly boring labor with a quick and exciting turn around at the end... my last baby came into the world. I was just as excited and in love with #5 as with all the others. And even though many people probably wondered why on earth we'd have another baby, maybe some even judged us, none of that matters when I look at this precious little boy who I know is a gift from God.

Loving my sweet Isaiah

*However, I'm still glad that this is my last pregnancy, last delivery and last baby ;)

Pregnancy Woes

When I would see a pregnant woman I would sometimes have feelings of wishing I was pregnant too. I would think how I missed the whole experience and how "fun" it was to be expecting - the growing belly, feeling the baby move, the excitement of waiting for the birth of a new baby. And I would tell people how pregnancy wasn't bad for me, that I really enjoyed it. I've now realized that I must've blocked out the memories of how pregnancy really feels!

*I'm about to do some complaining, so if you'd rather not read it, here is your warning! :)

It's not all bad, of course. It was still exciting to find out we'd be adding to our family, still amazing to feel the baby start to move inside me and still neat to watch my body change (up to a certain point anyway)! However, I need to just have a few minutes to whine. For the last month it's been difficult to sleep (to say the least) with the multiple trips to the bathroom all night and having only 2 positions that I can sleep in - left side or right side, alternating between the two every 20-30 minutes. I have horrible heartburn, which I've never dealt with before, even though I take medicine for it twice a day. Many times it's hard to walk as it feels like I'm carrying a bowling ball between my legs that's trying to work its way out. I have back "spasms" throughout the day that feel like I'm being electricuted up and down my spine. My hip sometimes feels like it might break with one wrong move... *I was born with hip displasyia which left my legs different lengths and one messed up hip, which I think makes the back and hip issues more prevalent in my case. And the headaches that have been going on almost the whole 8 months are about enough to drive me insane.

So maybe I forgot about how miserable it can be (in the end) or maybe it's because this is my 5th time and my body just doesn't handle it as well as it did 13 years ago. Probably a little of both. I am getting my tubes tied when this baby is 6 weeks old and will put the pregnancy era behind me, forever! And part of the reason for this post is so I can come back and read it when those feelings of wanting to be pregnant creep up again in the future! Also, if anyone hears me saying that I love being pregnant you can kindly tell me to go read my own blog and come back to reality :)

Early Pregnancy Worry

Today I go for my first of many regular prenatal appointments. Even though I do feel "different", I worry that something has or will go wrong. Must be because of the other miscarriages and ectopic, on top of all the medical problems I've had over the last couple years. I saw the heart beating at my ultrasound when I was 6 1/2 weeks, but I know things can still go downhill even after that. Hopefully the heartbeat will be strong enough now at 10 1/2 weeks to be heard on doppler and my mind can be at ease. Whatever happens, happens. I just want to know!

Craziness

I'm only 8 weeks in so I really hate to complain already, but I just need a moment. Okay, maybe a few moments... to whine about how CRAPPY I feel! I spent most of today fighting a headache and trying not to throw up. Driving to the store I almost had to pull over to puke and a few times in the store I thought I would need to bolt to the bathroom. In the end, I never actually threw up but that's little consolation. I came home from my short shopping trip in tears, telling my husband that "this sucks" and I can't wait for my 6 week post-baby checkup to have my tubes plugged. I'm never doing this again!

I know that we tend to forget how we truly felt being pregnant (or while in labor, but that's another story), but I just don't remember feeling this icky. And it's not just the exhaustion, headaches, nausea, bloating or having to get up every 2 hours at night to pee... it's the emotional rollercoaster that I still seem to be on. It was worse in the very beginning with tears running down my broken out face for no apparent reason, but the up and down emotions are still a part of daily life. I look at myself and feel horrible for how out of shape I am and feel like a fat, gross, jiggly lump of laziness. I feel guilty for having no motivation to do anything - especially things like taking my kids to the park or even just outside for more than 5 minutes to play. For some reason, I also feel like there are people who are secretly hoping I have another boy just so they can say "ha, that's what you get"...  I'd like to think that's far from the truth, but something in me keeps having those thoughts. In case you are, in fact, one of those people let me say this now - this baby is a blessing from God and I will be delighted when I see this precious gift and hold it in my arms, regardless of whether it's a he or a she. Yes, I'd like the opportunity to have a daughter (and think I'd be quite good with a girl!), but I realize that God knows what He's doing and has a plan for our lives that we don't always see.

Anyway, I'm just struggling today. I'm starting to wonder if I'm too old to be doing this again! I know I'm only 29, but since I started so young it's like my body is actually 40. I've been having children for 13 years now! What?! I had babies in '99, '01, '07, '08 and now '12. Get this - I will be 30 years old and have had babies in 3 different decades!!! Craziness? YES!

I'm counting down til the 2nd trimester, praying that it brings some relief for all the physical and emotional crud (for lack of a better word). But I'm also thinking... maybe this one will be not-so-fun, to put it mildly, so that I will finally be completely over the desire to have more babies. If that's the case, it's working so far!

Why Me?

Today I had my second ultrasound for this pregnancy at only 6 weeks (the first one, at 5 weeks, we only saw a sac with nothing in it, though that is common at that early stage). As soon as my doctor started the scan I could see the tiny baby and it's beating heart. It made this all the more real for me, actually seeing a living baby, even though it's less than a centimeter in size and definitely looks more like an amphibian than a human!

This will be my 5th child... sounds crazy, I know. And it's had me thinking how blessed I've been to already have 4 kids and now get to have another. But why? Why am I able to get pregnant so easily? Why did I have 2 kids while I was still a teenager when there are women out there who try for decades unsuccessfully to get pregnant? Why are my babies born healthy and without complication when other women have sick babies, some of which pass before they're born or are born alive only to live for a few minutes? Why me???

I'm not better than anyone else, or somehow more deserving. And I certainly haven't earned any special status based on many of my life choices.. :/  I feel guilty sometimes when I look at my kids and think about all the would-be moms in the world with empty, aching arms. I even feel, at times, that I'm selfishly "taking" these babies - like if I didn't have them then somehow that would allow those other women to become mommies. I can intellectually know how absurd that notion is, but my human mind still has these thoughts.

I don't want to be selfish. This isn't a game of "let's see how many babies I can have" and I know that each of my children is a gift, a blessing, from The Lord. **He didn't desire for me to bring kids into the world when I was still a child myself, but those boys are still HIS creation and He loves them even more than I do**  I know I'm not really stealing babies from other couples when I become pregnant - I just wish there was something I could do for them! At one point in my life I seriously considered being a surrogate mother. My reasoning for that was these same, silly thoughts of guilt over being a mom when I knew so many couldn't. Obviously I never did that, and it probably wouldn't be allowed now after all these pregnancies. I suppose all I can really do is pray - pray for the women who are struggling month after month to become pregnant, pray for the couples who are waiting and waiting to adopt a baby and pray for all the kids in the world who don't know the love of a parent to find their way to mommies and daddies in waiting.

And I will continue to thank God everyday for ALL the blessings in my life... especially my beautiful babies!

Surprise, Surprise!



DS #4 Making the Announcement

Yes, it's true - baby #5 is on the way! I found out about 10 days ago. I just had that "feeling" that something was up, so decided to take a home test 5 days before the suggested time to first take it. To my surprise there was a faint line, but I thought maybe it was a fluke so I took another one within an hour. That one also had a faint line, but I thought that maybe they were both faulty since they came from the same package. So 2 days later I took 2 more and they also had faint lines. I still had my doubts, but those were diminishing. I went to my doctor the next day for a blood count which I had to wait 3 whole days to get the results for! The day I received the results of that test I was back in for a second blood count, per doctors orders, to make sure the numbers were going up. The next day (now a week since the first home test) my doctor called with the good news that the hcg levels had gone up significantly and everything seemed on track for now. Because of my history I'll be going in again on Monday for an ultrasound to make sure the little sesame seed-sized baby is in the right spot (I had an ectopic pregnancy 5 1/2 years ago which resulted in surgery to remove that baby and my left tube).

To answer some of the Facebook questions - my due date is March 18th. Right now it seems like it will be forever until this baby arrives - remember though, I found out way earlier than most women do. I think I'd be pregnant for a year just to actually prolong the addition of a newborn! Though I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune by, oh, 35 weeks :) And yes, I am praying for a girl! This isn't my first rodeo, I know very well intellectually that we could have another boy. Will I cry if that happens? Probably. But I trust my maker and the creator of the universe to make the decision! For now, until I hit 20 weeks near the end of October and head for that most exciting ultrasound of all, I'll keep politely asking God to bless me with a daughter! :))

I realize that some of you might think "What are they thinking?" "FIVE kids, really?!" And maybe some other thoughts that aren't so nice. You are entitled to your opinions and thank the Lord we live in a country where we can all decide how many children we want to have. But I do believe that children are blessings - in fact, here's a verse for you  "Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him." Psalm 127:3  Soooo, we are accepting this blessing (boy or girl!) from the Father who loves us. I'm not saying it's gonna be a walk in the park, but I do believe this is part of the plan for our lives so who are we to judge that?!?!